How to Co-Parent With Someone Who Hurt You

In my work with children and teenagers, some of the most heartbreaking moments I witness have nothing to do with the divorce itself.

They happen when a child sits across from me and carefully edits what they share — leaving out the fun they had at dad's house, downplaying a special moment with mom, censoring their own joy — because they are afraid of hurting the parent they are with.

That child is not struggling because their parents divorced. They are struggling because they love both of their parents and feel like they cannot.

I share this not to judge — but because I think it's important to name what children carry silently when they are caught in the middle. And because most parents, if they truly understood the weight their child was holding, would want to do something about it.

Validating the Pain

Let me say something clearly before anything else: co-parenting with someone who hurt you is one of the hardest things a person can be asked to do.

Some divorces involve betrayal. Some involve years of pain that didn't end when the marriage did. Some involve an ex who is actively saying unkind things about you to your children — and the temptation to defend yourself, to set the record straight, to take the bait, is completely understandable.

Your pain is real. Your anger may be justified. And none of what follows is meant to minimize that.

But your child is also real. And they are watching all of it.

What Your Child Is Silently Carrying

Children are perceptive in ways we often underestimate. They notice the tension in your voice when the other parent's name comes up. They feel the shift in the room when they come home from a visit and share something positive. They learn quickly — sometimes without a single word being said — what is safe to talk about and what is not.

And so they adapt. They self-censor. They become little emotional managers, carefully navigating two separate worlds and working hard to make sure neither parent feels threatened by their love for the other.

This is an enormous weight for a child to carry. And it is not theirs to carry.

When a child feels they have to hide a part of their life to protect a parent, it doesn't just create anxiety — it creates a fractured sense of self. They learn that love comes with conditions. That joy can be dangerous. That they must manage the emotions of the adults around them.

These are lessons no child should have to learn.

Common Pitfalls — And What I'd Encourage Instead

This is not a list of easy fixes. Co-parenting through pain is genuinely hard work and a few tips will not solve what years of hurt have built. But I do want to offer some honest reflection on patterns I see often — and an invitation to consider them with curiosity rather than judgment.

Speaking negatively about the other parent, even subtly. It doesn't have to be outright criticism. A sigh, an eye roll, a loaded silence — children pick up on all of it. Instead: When your child shares something about their other parent, try to respond neutrally. You don't have to be enthusiastic. You just have to be safe.

Using your child as a messenger or informant. Asking your child to relay messages or report back on what happens at the other home puts them in an impossible position. Instead: Communicate directly with your co-parent — even when it's painful. Your child should never feel like a bridge between two worlds at war.

Allowing your child to take sides. Sometimes children offer loyalty to ease a parent's pain. It can feel validating in the moment. Instead: Gently redirect. "I'm glad you love me. I also want you to love your dad/mom. You don't have to choose."

Taking the bait when conflict is provoked. If your co-parent is actively creating conflict, the pull to respond and defend yourself is powerful. Instead: Protect your child from the fallout. Disengage from the conflict and seek support — from a therapist, a trusted person, or a co-parenting counselor — so you are not processing it through your child.

A Final Note

You do not have to have a perfect co-parenting relationship. You do not have to like your ex or pretend the pain isn't there.

But your child needs to feel free to love both of their parents without guilt. That freedom is one of the greatest gifts you can give them — and one of the most powerful acts of parenting available to you, even in the hardest season.

If co-parenting feels impossible right now — if the conflict is ongoing, the pain is fresh, or you are not sure how to navigate this without support — therapy is a space where that work can happen. For you, for your child, or for both.

You don't have to figure this out alone.

If this resonates with you I'd love to connect. I offer a free 15-minute consultation — no commitment, just a conversation. Reach out through the contact form.

SOURCES & FURTHER READING:

Wallerstein, J. S., Lewis, J. M., & Blakeslee, S. (2000). The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study. Hyperion.

Emery, R. E. (2016). Two Homes, One Childhood: A Parenting Plan to Last a Lifetime. Avery.

Ahrons, C. R. (2004). We're Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce. HarperCollins.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child. Delacorte Press.

The content of this blog is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and should not be used as a substitute for guidance from a licensed mental health professional. Reading this blog does not create a therapist-client relationship between you and Dr. Karina Luaces.

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or emergency, please call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) or contact your nearest emergency services immediately.

If you have questions about your mental health or are seeking support, I encourage you to reach out to a qualified mental health professional.