The Voice in Your Head Might Not Be Yours
If you've ever caught yourself thinking "I'm so stupid" after making a mistake, or "I can never do anything right" when something goes wrong — I want you to pause for a moment and ask yourself: whose voice is that, really?
In my years of working with teenagers and adults, one of the most quietly devastating patterns I witness is this: the words a parent once said in a moment of frustration, exhaustion, or their own unresolved pain — become the words a person says to themselves for the rest of their life.
What begins as an external voice becomes an internal one. And somewhere along the way, we stop questioning whether it's true.
How It Starts
Children are meaning-making machines. When something happens — especially something painful — they don't have the cognitive or emotional tools to say "my parent is struggling right now and this is about them." Instead, they do what children do: they make it about themselves.
So when a parent says "why can't you ever get anything right?" or "you're so lazy" or responds to a child's emotions with dismissal, contempt, or ridicule — the child doesn't think "that's unfair." They think "that must be true. Otherwise why would someone who loves me say it?"
This is especially true in adolescence, when identity is still forming and the brain is particularly sensitive to social evaluation. I work with teenagers who carry their parents' words like a verdict — not a opinion, not a moment of frustration, but a fundamental truth about who they are.
I've sat across from teens who are bright, creative, and deeply feeling — who genuinely believe they are failures because someone they trusted told them so, repeatedly, in ways that left no room for doubt.
The Wound That Travels Into Adulthood
The adolescent who internalized those messages doesn't leave them behind when they grow up. They carry them into their relationships, their careers, their parenting, their sense of what they deserve.
Adults I work with are often surprised to discover how much of their inner dialogue — the critical, relentless voice that tells them they're not enough — sounds remarkably like a parent from decades ago. The words may have shifted slightly but the tone, the harshness, the impossibly high standard — it's inherited.
This isn't about blame. Most parents who were harsh were themselves raised harshly, doing the best they could with what they had. Understanding that is part of the healing. But understanding it doesn't mean the wound isn't real — or that it isn't worth tending to.
Try This: The Third Party Perspective
One of the most powerful exercises I use in therapy is what I call the third party perspective. Here's how it works:
Imagine your life is a television show. You are watching it as a viewer — not as the main character. The parent is a character on screen. The child is a character on screen. And the harsh words, the criticism, the dismissal — are playing out in front of you.
Now ask yourself: watching this as an outside observer, would you be nodding along, thinking "yes, that child deserved that"? Or would you feel something else — discomfort, sadness, protectiveness toward that child?
Almost universally, when people step outside themselves and view their own story with the same compassion they would extend to a character on screen, they see it differently. The criticism that felt like truth starts to look like what it actually was — one person's pain, projected onto someone they loved.
This technique, rooted in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, is called cognitive defusion — creating distance between yourself and your thoughts so you can see them for what they are: thoughts, not facts. The inner critic is not a narrator telling the truth. It's a character that learned its lines a long time ago.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
Changing an inner voice that has been running for years — sometimes decades — is not a quick process. But it is possible. Here's what it tends to involve:
Naming the critic. Give the inner critic some distance by naming it. "There's that voice again" is more powerful than "I am a failure" because it reminds you that the thought is separate from you.
Tracing it back. Where did this voice come from? When you hear it, whose words does it sound like? Often simply making that connection — "this isn't my voice, this is something I inherited" — loosens its grip.
Reparenting yourself. This is one of the most profound pieces of therapeutic work. It involves learning to speak to yourself the way a genuinely loving, supportive parent would — with encouragement, patience, and the understanding that being human means being imperfect.
Practicing self-compassion. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff shows that self-compassion — treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend — is one of the most effective antidotes to the inner critic. It is not self-indulgence. It is one of the most courageous things a person can do.
If you'd like to read more about the power of repair in parenting — and how breaking the cycle starts with us — I wrote about that recently here: www.drkarinaluaces.com/blog/when-defiance-is-really-fear-psychologist-mom
A Note to Parents Reading This
If you recognized yourself in these words — if you've said things in moments of frustration that you wish you could take back — please know that awareness is the beginning of change. The fact that you're reading this, that you're wondering about the impact of your words, already puts you in a different category than parents who never question themselves at all.
Repair is always possible. A sincere acknowledgment, a genuine apology, a consistent shift in how you show up — these things matter. Children are remarkably resilient when they feel genuinely seen and loved.
A Note to Anyone Who Grew Up Hearing These Words
The voice in your head that tells you you're not enough — it learned those lines from somewhere. It is not the truth about who you are.
You are allowed to rewrite the script.
If this resonates and you'd like support in doing that work, I'd love to connect. I offer a free 15-minute consultation and work with adolescents, young adults, and adults in English and Spanish — in person in Pinecrest and via telehealth across Florida and 40+ states through PSYPACT.
You don't have to keep living by someone else's words. 🌿
SOURCES:
Neff, K. (2021). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. — summarized at https://self-compassion.org
American Psychological Association. (2020). Parenting.https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting
Harris, R. (2019). ACT Made Simple. — defusion technique summarized at https://www.actmindfully.com.au
The content of this blog is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and should not be used as a substitute for guidance from a licensed mental health professional. Reading this blog does not create a therapist-client relationship between you and Dr. Karina Luaces.
If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or emergency, please call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) or contact your nearest emergency services immediately.
If you have questions about your mental health or are seeking support, I encourage you to reach out to a qualified mental health professional.