When "Defiance" Is Really Fear: What I Learned From Losing My Patience as a Psychologist Mom

I am going to tell you something that might surprise you.

Last week I lost my patience with my three year old. We were in the middle of potty training — a process that, if you've been through it, you know can test every ounce of your remaining sanity — and after days of tears, resistance, and what felt like no progress, I raised my voice.

I felt terrible immediately.

I am a licensed psychologist. I spend my days helping people navigate their emotions, their relationships, and their responses to stress. And I still got it wrong.

I'm sharing this not because potty training is my area of expertise — it's not. I typically work with preteens through adults. I'm sharing it because what happened after that moment, and what I was reminded of in the process, applies to parenting at every stage. And I think it's worth talking about.

What's Really Underneath the Behavior

When children have big, intense reactions — whether they're three or thirteen — our instinct is often to label it. Defiance. Stubbornness. Manipulation. A power struggle.

But strong emotions in kids rarely mean what they look like on the surface.

In my daughter's case, what I initially experienced as resistance was actually fear. She was being asked to do something that felt unfamiliar and uncomfortable to her small nervous system. She wasn't giving me a hard time. She was having a hard time.

Those are very different things.

At any age, when a child is melting down, shutting down, acting out, or pushing back, it's worth asking: what is underneath this? What need isn't being met? What might they be afraid of, overwhelmed by, or struggling to put into words?

Getting curious before getting frustrated changes everything.

How Our Perception Shapes How We Parent

This is perhaps the most important point in this entire post.

The way we perceive our child's behavior directly shapes how we respond to them — and over time, how they come to see themselves.

If we are convinced that our child is being defiant, manipulative, or deliberately difficult, we respond accordingly. We dig in. We assert control. We get frustrated. And our child feels that — they feel seen as a problem rather than as a person who is struggling.

But when we shift our perception — when we ask what's driving the behavior rather than assuming we already know — our entire approach changes. We become less reactive. More curious. More present. And our child feels that too.

Over time, consistently being seen as defiant shapes a child's self perception in ways that follow them long past childhood. Consistently being met with curiosity and understanding shapes it differently.

Our perception is not a small thing. It is the lens through which our child experiences themselves in relationship with us.

Repair Is One of the Most Powerful Things We Can Do

After I raised my voice I apologized. Quickly and genuinely.

I want to be clear — I don't think apologizing to your child is a sign of weakness or a loss of authority. I think it is some of the most powerful parenting you can do.

When we own our mistakes and repair with our children we are showing them what accountability looks like in real life. We are demonstrating that relationships can withstand imperfection. We are teaching them that saying sorry is not shameful — it is what people who love each other do.

For older kids and teenagers especially, this matters enormously. They are watching how we handle our own mistakes far more closely than we realize.

Follow Through Is What Makes Repair Real

Here is something I feel strongly about both as a psychologist and as a parent.

Repair without follow through is just words.

After I apologized to my daughter I made a conscious decision to stay regulated — even when she was still struggling, even when the week continued to be hard. That was the follow through. Not just saying I was sorry but showing up differently in the moments that followed.

This is true at every stage of parenting. An apology opens the door. Follow through is what builds the trust back.

Ask yourself honestly — after you've repaired a difficult moment with your child, do you follow through? Do you make an intentional effort to respond differently the next time? That intention is not a small thing. It is where real change lives.

A Final Note

No parent gets it right all the time. Not even the ones who do this professionally.

The goal was never perfection. It was never having a child who never struggles or a household where nothing ever goes wrong. The goal is awareness — of our children, of ourselves, and of the gap between how we want to show up and how we actually do in hard moments.

When we close that gap, even imperfectly, we are doing the work. And so are our kids.

If any of this resonated with you and you'd like support navigating the emotional and relational side of parenting, I'd love to connect.

Sources & Further Reading

Greene, R. W. (2014). The Explosive Child. Harper Paperbacks. → On understanding what drives difficult behavior in children and the importance of curiosity over assumption.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books. → On the power of repair attempts in close relationships and how they strengthen trust over time.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child. Delacorte Press. → On co-regulation, repair, and how parental responses shape a child's developing brain and sense of self.

The content of this blog is intended for informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and should not be used as a substitute for guidance from a licensed mental health professional. Reading this blog does not create a therapist-client relationship between you and Dr. Karina Luaces.

If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or emergency, please call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) or contact your nearest emergency services immediately.

If you have questions about your mental health or are seeking support, I encourage you to reach out to a qualified mental health professional.