Why Avoiding What Scares You Is Making It Worse (And What to Do Instead)
We've all been there. The email you keep putting off sending. The conversation you know you need to have but keep finding reasons to delay. The situation that makes your stomach drop every time you think about it — so you try not to think about it at all.
Avoidance feels like relief. And in the short term, it truly is. When we step away from something that triggers anxiety, our nervous system settles down, our breathing slows, and we feel better. The problem is that this relief is temporary — and it comes at a significant cost.
Why Avoidance Makes Anxiety Worse
Here's what's actually happening when we avoid: every time we step away from something that makes us anxious, we send our brain a very clear message — "that thing is dangerous." Our brain, which is wired to keep us safe, takes note. The next time we encounter that situation, it responds with even more urgency. Over time the anxiety doesn't shrink — it grows.
This is what psychologists call the avoidance cycle. Anxiety triggers avoidance, avoidance provides temporary relief, and that relief reinforces the avoidance — making the anxiety stronger and the urge to avoid even harder to resist. This is a pattern we often find in anxiety, and it's at the heart of why anxiety can feel so persistent even when nothing objectively threatening is happening.
The Uncomfortable Truth
The only way out of the avoidance cycle is through it — and that means tolerating discomfort. Not drastically, and not all at once, but gradually and intentionally moving toward the things that make us anxious rather than away from them.
This is the foundation of a therapy approach called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), and it's supported by decades of research as one of the most effective treatments for anxiety. The idea is simple even if the practice isn't easy: when we repeatedly face something that triggers anxiety without the feared outcome occurring, our brain gradually learns that it isn't actually dangerous. The anxiety response quiets over time.
*What You Can Do
You don't need to dive into your biggest fear first. In fact that's not recommended. Instead try this:
Start small. Think of one thing you've been avoiding — something relatively low stakes. Make a commitment to approach it rather than avoid it this week. Notice the anxiety that comes up, breathe through it, and allow yourself to stay in the discomfort a little longer than feels comfortable. Then notice what happens afterward.
Most of the time you'll find that the anticipation was worse than the reality. That discovery — experienced firsthand rather than just read about — is what begins to retrain your brain.
A Note on Knowing When to Get Support
If avoidance has become a significant pattern in your life — if it's affecting your relationships, your work, or your ability to move forward — that's a sign that the anxiety underneath it may benefit from professional support. Therapy, particularly approaches like CBT and ACT, can help you understand the roots of your avoidance and build the skills to move through it with greater ease.
You don't have to battle your way through anxiety alone. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is ask for help.
If this resonates with you I'd love to connect. I offer a free 15-minute consultation — no commitment, just a conversation. Reach out through the contact form.
Sources:
American Psychological Association. (2017). What is Exposure Therapy? https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/exposure-therapy
National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). Anxiety Disorders. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders
Harvard Health Publishing. (2020). Recognizing and easing the physical symptoms of anxiety. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/recognizing-and-easing-the-physical-symptoms-of-anxiety